Something Borrowed, Something Blue
Should you put a penny in your shoe? Carry something borrowed? Wear a veil? Some traditions are simply a matter of fun and preference.
Making vows and exchanging rings are pretty deeply rooted traditions. Even if they look quite different than they did 100 years ago, most couples feel these are traditions worth keeping.
That said, some traditions are trickier. One bride hates the idea of being “given away” after all, no one owns her! For another, it’s an important moment to remember family and make her dad feel special.
In fact, for nearly every wedding tradition, there’s someone who loves it and someone who hates it.
So how do you decide? Here’s a few things to keep in mind:
Traditions are a way to connect to community and to give your ceremony a timeless feel, but you don’t have to do them all. Bottom line: you only need to keep the traditions that feel meaningful to you. Ask yourself two questions:
1) Is it important to us as a couple?
2) Does it add meaning or add stress?
Here are some common traditions you might consider updating!
Don’t See the Bride in Her Dress
Here’s an example (delete. When my husband and I got married, we thought about the whole “Don’t see the bride before the wedding” tradition. Was it important to us? Not particularly –neither one of us is superstitious, and it would be super stressful. We decided that if we saw each other first, we could get all the formal photos out of the way early & not have to waste time after the ceremony! Plus, I didn’t want to be stuck in a back room somewhere while everyone else started socializing pre-ceremony. So we took it one step further. We decided not only would we see each other before the ceremony, we’d see everyone!
A couple of hours before the ceremony, my husband and I dressed and met privately, just the two of us. We got to see each other in our wedding finery and speak of our love and excitement. Then we went out together to get all the formal photos out of the way. Then, when guests started to arrive for our Pre-Ception Party, we were there to greet them!
We had wine, fruit, and cheese set out so everyone could grab a glass & get the party started. We introduced people. We got to hear how good we looked. And by the time we were ready for the ceremony, everyone was already having fun! In particular, me!
Update a Tradition: The First Look
Even if you don’t want to see everyone before the ceremony, you can update this tradition by doing a first look with your soon-to-be spouse. Lots of couples are opting to meet privately in their wedding finery anywhere from an hour to 10 minutes before the actual ceremony in order to capture the moment in a more private or genuine way. Some couples find it calms nerves and makes them feel less on display when they walk down the aisle.
This couple got the best of both worlds: she walked privately down the path where they met & then walked the rest of the way together!
Father Walks the Bride Down the Aisle
This one is really important to some brides & to some dads. I’ve even had same-sex marriages where dad walked EACH bride down the aisle! There are a lot of different kinds of families, and you can make this tradition fit yours however you want. You you can keep it or update it to include more parents or emphasize equality in the relationship.
Update a Tradition: Add More to the Mix
- Have mom & dad escort the bride down the aisle.
- Have the groom’s mom walk him down as well!
- Have both parents walk with each partner; parents almost always love being included! It gives you a chance to give them a hug in front of everyone!
- Walk down together—yep, it’s unconventional, but I’ve had couples who wanted to walk in together to emphasize that they were already a couple.
- Walk down solo!
- Walk down two different aisles at the same time! This is really nice at same-sex ceremonies if the couple feels weird about someone going “first” and someone going “second.” There are traditional gender expectations around that decision that some couples want to avoid all together.
Giving Away the Bride
Traditionally, when the bride and her father reach the front, the officiant asked, “Who gives this woman in marriage?” This is back from the days when the father was legally the guardian of his female children and was giving guardianship over to the groom. Eeek! Most people aren’t comfortable with this today, but some still like the tradition or feel it’s important for dad to have his moment.
Of course, this tradition isn’t essential and can be left out easily. But there are a couple of options to update it.
Update a Tradition: Ask for Support from All Parents
One option is to change the wording to reflect a more modern sensibility: “Who gives their support to this union?”
Another even more inclusive option is to drop the initial question altogether. The bride and/or groom hug their escort, who simply takes a seat. After welcoming the guests, the officiant asks all the parents to stand, thanks them for all they’ve given to the couple, and asks if they will continue to support the couple in their marriage. Parents answer together, “We do!” It feels special, celebratory, and acknowledges equality in the relationship. It also includes the groom’s parents who often feel a bit left out.
Keep It, Toss It, Update It, Transform It
Weddings are a delicate balance. Traditions give weddings a timeless feel; they connect couples and past generations who see echoes of their own wedding. It’s nice to include some elements that feel traditional, but know that to feel traditional, you don’t have to follow every tradition. There are lots of rituals associated with wedding ceremonies that can be updated to reflect a more modern relationship. (Check out my article on designing customized rituals!)
A significant part of what I help couples with is making these decisions and navigating these tricky waters. I love coming up with creative ways to help couples create a ceremony that truly reflects their values and their vision.