How to Write Your Own Vows—Together!

Your vows are the heart of your ceremony.  They are the most important part because they are the actual promises you make to your partner so it’s natural that you might want to write your own vows.

If the thought of writing your own vows fills you with dread, never fear!  Skip over to Wedding Vows to Inspire You!

If you are intrigued or have always dreamed of writing your vows, then read on!

Some common misconceptions about vows.

When I first started helping couples create personalized wedding ceremonies, I noticed that couples who wanted to write their own vows often had a few misunderstandings about vows.

Misconception #1:  Vows are anything one partner says to another.

Vow is a fancy word for promise.  Vows aren’t “why I love you” or “what you mean to me” or “why I want to get married.”  Those sentiments dominate vow on TV and in the movies.  And a few sentences on why you love your partner is a great vow introduction.  Sometimes couples get so caught up in writing why they love their partner, that they forget to write any actual promises!

Misconception #2: Vows should be written in secret!

In the movies, couples often write their vows secretly –scribbling away in private trying to come up with the most romantic prose ever.  To me that’s always made it feel a bit like a competition. 

When my husband & I wrote our vows, we did it together.  We had a series of conversations about what was important to us as a couple, crafted the language together, and ended up with words so meaningful to us that we re-read our vows to each other every year on our wedding anniversary!

I give the following advice to my couples, and they consistently report back that they love the vows they create together and that the entire process made them feel the commitment of getting married more deeply. 

Right now, a few of you are thinking, but we really, REALLY wanted to surprise each other.  I have two ideas for that so keep reading! (Or skip ahead and then come back!)

Misconception #3:  If we write our own vows, we have to read them to each other! (And that’s scary!)

Some couples love the idea of writing their own vows, but not the idea of reading their vows to each other.  They may suffer from anxiety or stage-fright.  No worries! 

Just because you write your vows doesn’t mean you can’t write them as questions.  Your wedding officiant can read the questions to you and you can answer with a simple, “I do!” or “We do!”  For more ideas on how to format your vows, read, Wedding Vows to Inspire You”!

Misconception #4:  I’ll cry through my vows and ruin them!

Ok, the first part might be true.  I do have couples who tear up or even all out bawl while reading their vows.  My take?  So what?  This is a big day.  You are making a big commitment.  If tears of joy are part of what you are feeling, then as your wedding officiant, I will never hurry you or make you feel like you are “holding things up.” 

I have tissues tucked in my ceremony book, and I’m happy to create a safe space for you to experience your feelings.  Plus, your partner is there!  They know how to comfort you and make you smile!  You won’t be alone in this moment.

Misconception #5:  I have to memorize my vows!

Good gracious, no!  There is way too much going on to try to memorize your vows.  Print them out.  Read over them a couple of weeks before the big day so you feel comfortable.  Have a written copy of them that you will use during the ceremony.  Some couples copy them into a fancy vow book.  And I can also tuck the copies into my officiant book so my couples don’t have to carry them up the aisle.  When reading, breathe, take your time, and don’t forget to look up at your partner.

(Tip:  Always make sure your officiant has a back-up copy of your vows in case you forget to print them out! Never keep them secret from your officiant!)  

Ok, so now you know—vows are promises that the two of you agree on as a couple.  You can write them as questions to be asked by your officiant or statements to be read by you to each other.  You can laugh, you can cry, and you can truly connect as a couple!

 

Are you ready to write your own vows?

Read the steps below and download my helpful How to Write Your Own Vows Worksheet.

Step 1:  What’s important to you?

Find some time when you are relaxed and both have time to give this important process.  The first step you’ll do separately:  Each of you will make a list of 8-10 promises or values that are really important to you, that you would like to include in your vows.  Don’t worry about perfect wording yet —just get your ideas on paper. 

Step 2:  Which ones are the same?

Compare your lists!  You chose each other so I’m guessing about half of your ideas will be the same—and your partner will probably have some ideas that make you immediately think, “of course!”

Step 3: Make a list of the final 8-10 promises that are most important to you as a couple.

I always think of this as relationship constitution!

Step 4:  Look at some sample vows.

If you are one of my couples, I always send you a packet of example vows that you can use to inspire you, to realize you left out something important, or to steal some beautiful or classic phrases.  However, there are lots of great online resources for vows, and looking at a few samples can help you figure out what you want your vows to sound like.  Read my article, “Wedding Vows to Inspire You”!

Step 5:  Working together, write your own vows.

You can write every single word yourself from scratch —or borrow phrases from the vows you researched.  What matters most is that you end up with promises that are deeply meaningful to you. 

But, but, but … we really wanted to SURPRISE each other!

In my experience, surprises on the wedding day are over-rated —usually couples are too over-stimulated to really appreciate them. If you want some element of surprise, I recommend that you write what you love about each other and share that before you share your vows.  This goes over very well!

That said, some couples truly love a surprise!

Know yourself.  If you really want to hear your partner’s vows for the very first time on that day, then do Steps 1-3 together, and then do Steps 4 and 5 on your own.  This will prevent you from having widely divergent vows. 

Discuss length and tone —-I often have couples who want to surprise each other send their vows to me so I can at least let them know if they are on the same track.  I’ve seen everything from one groom who managed to write vows that contained not one single promise to a bride who wrote an entire page of vows, single-spaced!  You guessed it —they were getting married to each other!

What if we really mess it up?

At the end of the day, you love each other.  That’s why you’re are getting married.  You can’t mess this up.  Do I have couples who read each other totally mis-matched vows? Yep.  Do I have couples who are less than poetic?  Yep.  Do I have couples who wait to the last minute?  Yep.

And guess what?  They totally adore their partner and love the personal and heartfelt words their partner wrote just for them. 

Whatever you choose, choose with love. You can’t go wrong.

Contact me today for help creating a beautifully customized ceremony that tells your story!